Offensive and Embarrassing Gifts
Although the role of conscious intention in giving an offensive gift is
limited, gifts are often experienced as such by their recipients. Even if it
were one’s explicit intention to give an offensive gift, it is probably difficult
to admit that to an interviewer. Here we are faced with a fundamental
difficulty that underlies any attempt to measure motives of this kind. It is
extremely difficult, if not impossible, to capture the motives underlying
gift giving because the act of gift giving is in most cases barely reflected
upon. It is therefore not surprising that only a small minority of our
respondents – 8% – report that they have ever given an offensive gift;
10% have received an offensive gift at some time. When using a more
friendly termlike being “embarrassed” by a gift, the pattern changes: 21%
of the respondents have given an embarrassing gift to another person,
and 31% say they had felt embarrassed by a received gift. On the basis
of our respondents’ stories about offending and embarrassing gifts, we
developed four categories of “bad gifts.”
First, some gifts are simply not appropriate: “An acquaintance gave
me after-shave, although I have been wearing a beard for twenty-five
years”; “wine but I don’t drink alcohol”; “a couple of geese, although we
already have somany animals”; “jeans thatwere toosmall”; “a ridiculously
expensive vase fromanamorous colleague.” Second, there are thoughtless
gifts, or gifts that are too easy, bought in haste, or already in the giver’s
possessionandthen passed on: “a nasty little floral emblemformy farewell
after having been the president and vice-president of the company for
twenty-five years”; “two ceramic cats – supermarket rubbish – while I am
ac eramic sculptor myself ”; “a 1992 calendar, received in August 1992.”
Third, some gifts are pedagogical in the sense that they point to another
person’s weaknesses, criticize him or her, or communicate a form of
uncalled-for advice. For example, one respondent reports that she has
given a scale to someone else as a Christmas present “in order to let him
weigh things out”; other pedagogical gifts are antiperspirants or shampoo
or soap, “as if I smell bad”; or advice books about “how to bring up your
dog” or about how to cope with alcohol addiction. Finally, there is the
category of trash and monstrosities: castoffs such as “a used teapot”; “a
bag with second hand clothes, which was ready for the trash can”; and
monstrosities like “a fishbone plate,” “a screaming-green floorlamp from
my grandmother,” “a small net to cover plates, which was so cheap it fell
in pieces immediately.”
The many ways in which one may offend or embarrass other people
with one’s gifts are presumably reflected in the deeper meaning of the
adage that you “should not look a gift horse in the mouth.” Gift giving is
inherently risky, exactly because of its psychological function of disclosing
identities. Gift giving is a game with an uncertain outcome. One does not
bargain about gifts, and that is precisely what distinguishes gift exchange
from economic exchange.