The Anatomy of Gratitude
Gratitude and resentment, therefore, are the sentiments which
most immediately and directly prompt to reward and to punish.
To us, therefore, hemust appear to deserve reward, who appears
to be the proper and approved object of gratitude; and he to
deserve punishment, who appears to be that of resentment.
(Adam Smith 2002 [1759]: 81)
In our commonsense thinking about gratitude, we are inclined to think
of it as a warm and nice feeling directed toward someone who has been
benevolent to us. The definitions of gratitude given in dictionaries confirm
this perspective. Although I think that this view contains an important
element of truth, it disregards a more fundamental meaning
of gratitude. Beneath these warm feelings resides an imperative force, a
force that compels us to return the benefit we have received. Gratitude
has a clearly specified action tendency connected to it, as Adam Smith
had already noticed and as is also stipulated by contemporary emotion
theorists (Lazarus and Lazarus 1994). This duty to return led the social
psychologist Barry Schwartz (1967) to speak of the “gratitude imperative.”
Why aren’t we allowed to look a gift horse in the mouth? Because that
would be a sign of ingratitude and of indifference toward the giver, and
that is simply disastrous. In Japan the recipient of a gift is not allowed
to unwrap it in the presence of the giver. ToWestern eyes this may seem
an exotic habit, but on closer inspection it contains a very important
message about gratitude: by keeping the gift wrapped, the recipient’s
possible disappointment about the gift and its giver – showing itself in a
lack of gratitude – remains hidden. Perhaps this is the Japanese version
of our gift horse.
Why is a lack of gratitude felt as something to be avoided by all means?
Because gift exchange and the attendant feelings of gratitude serve to
confirm and maintain social ties. Gratitude is part of the chain of reciprocity
and, as such, it has “survival value”: it is sustaining a cycle of
gift and countergift and is thereby essential in creating social cohesion
and community. Gratitude is the oil that keeps the engine of the human
“service economy” going, to use Frans deWaal’s term (1996).
But gratitude is not merely a moral coercion; it is also a moral virtue.
Gratitude as a virtue is an important aspect of character: the capacity
to experience as well as express feelings of being thankful. The fact that
somebody may be seen as a grateful person indicates that gratitude is a
personality asset, a talent or even a gift that permeates all the social relationships
in which this person is involved. Lacking this virtue results in
ingratitude, which seems to be an enduring personality characteristic as
well. People who are regarded as ungrateful incur the risk of becoming
isolated and estranged because of their inability to contribute to the essential
symbolic nourishment on which humanrelationships are fed – that is,
themutual exchange of gifts connecting people by the bonds of gratitude.
The linguistic meanings of theword “grateful” are revealing. In English
as well as Dutch, “grateful” has a wider range of meanings than the literal
one of being grateful to somebody for having received something. The
first meaning becomes clear if we speak of a “grateful shade” where the
word is synonymous with salutary or pleasant. In “grateful soil” the word
means fertile, able to produce abundance without much outside help. In
Dutch we speak of a “grateful task” or a “grateful subject,” indicating that
the task or subject promises its own reward without much extra effort
(gratitude itself seems to be this kind of subject!).
I refrain here from trying to give a full-blown definition of gratitude,
because definitions of such multilayered and complex phenomena are
bound to be inadequate. What I can do, however, is sketch the contours
of an “anatomy of gratitude,” in an effort to delineate some of its most
prominent aspects and meanings. I approach the subject from various
angles, starting with the very thing that is given away. Anthropological
perspectives on the “spirit of the gift” wanting to be returned to the
original donor are the focus here. Next I consider the recipient of the gift
and analyze gratitude from a psychological point of view, as a personality
characteristic. How do people develop the capacity to be grateful and
express gratitude toward others? Then, from a sociological point of view,
I focus on the mutual relationship between the recipient and the giver
and the social and cultural impact of gratitude. Reciprocity appears to
be the underlying principle behind gift exchange, with the connected
feelings of gratitude functioning as the moral cement of human society
and culture as such.Without gratitude therewould benosocial continuity
as it fosters and maintains the network of social ties in which we are
embedded.