The Recipient of the Gift
From a psychological point of view gratitude may be considered a virtue,
a personality characteristic, or asset. It is something one has to learn, and
some people are better equipped to learn it than others. Learning to say
thank you, to share, and to return is an important part in the education
of children. What are the preconditions for developing a capacity to
be grateful? In her essay “Envy and gratitude” (1987b [1957]), Melanie
Klein considers gratitude from a psychoanalytic point of view. She holds
that envy is the most powerful factor in disturbing feelings of love and
gratitude at their root, because it originates in the earliest relation of a
child to its mother. This relationship has a fundamental importance for
the individual’s whole further emotional life, according to Klein. The
quality of the mother’s earliest breast contact with the child and, more
symbolically, of her capacity to represent to the child a “good object”with
which it can identify is of great importance for laying the foundations
for hope, trust, and belief in goodness. Any deprivation in this respect,
not only the breast’s literal failure to provide enough milk but also – and
more important – the mother’s withholding of emotional nourishment,
may cause the child to develop a serious emotional impairment in the
form of hate, envy, jealousy, or greed.
The most significant consequence of this emotional impairment is that
the child is deprived of the opportunity to experience enjoyment as a result
of being satisfied by the good object. Envy tends to become such
a persistent characteristic because it spoils the capacity for enjoyment;
enjoyment gives rise to gratitude, and only gratitude can mitigate destructive
impulses like envy and greed. Only children who have been able
to develop a deep-rooted relationship with a good maternal object can
build up a strong and permanent capacity for love and gratitude, which
can withstand temporary states of envy and hatred. In Melanie Klein’s
words, “One major derivative of the capacity for love is the feeling of
gratitude. Gratitude is essential in building up the relation to the good
object and underlies also the appreciation of goodness in others and in
oneself. Gratitude is rooted in the emotions and attitudes that arise in
the earliest stage of infancy, when for the baby the mother is the one and
only object” (1987 [1957]: 187).
Just as Freud describes the infant’s bliss in being suckled as the prototype
of sexual gratification, Klein considers these experiences as constitutive
for all later happiness. The full gratification of the maternal breast
brings about the experience of having received a unique gift from the
loved object, a gift that the child wants to keep. This first gift is the basis
of gratitude. The gratitude of being satisfied enables a child to accept and
assimilate to the loved primal object, not only as a source of food but also
as a whole person. This is the first sign of basic trust in other people. The
more regular the gratification and the more fully it is accepted, the more
often the child will experience enjoyment, gratitude, and the wish to return
pleasure in its wake. This recurrent experience plays an important
role in the capacity to return goodness.Herewe can see howgratitude and
generosity become connected. Only inner wealth makes one able to share
gifts with others. As Klein says, “if this gratitude is deeply felt it includes
the wish to return goodness received and is thus the basis of generosity.
There is always a close connection between being able to accept and to
give, and both are part of the relation to the good object” (1987 [1963]:
310).
The idea of a relation between the absence of shortages in motherly
dedication and the capacity to enjoy the first gifts a child receives from
its caretaker (whether it be milk, warmth, or closeness) sounds highly
probable. Also the hypothesis that one should first develop a capacity
to enjoy the good things one receives from others before being able to
experience gratitude seems reasonable enough. Finally, the connection
between gratitude and generosity, the idea that the capacity to receive
and be grateful fosters the desire to return goodness seems theoretically
plausible. The principle of reciprocity that is demonstrated in so many of
the anthropologists’ accounts apparently applies at the level of the earliest
interactions between mother and child as well. A lack of basic love and
care – the first gift – leads to a failing capacity to enjoy, which in turn
impairs the capacity to be grateful and to return the gift. As in all gift
relationships, the bond is only kept intact if gifts are returned properly.
Both the mother and the child may fail in this respect. In that case the
negative side of the principle of reciprocity may come to apply. The less
the mother is capable of giving the best of her being to the child, the less
responsive and grateful the child will become. An ever more disturbed
relationship may develop if the child does not give in return, causing the
mother to become less responsive aswell. Just as the gift of gratitude paves
the way for new gifts to be given, ala ck of gratitude evokes adiminishing
propensity in others to give return gifts.
It is clear that there are substantial individual differences in the capacity
to experience and express gratitude. Some people are much more able
to express genuine gratitude and be generous without compromise than
others. Gratitude is a personal virtue that is neither self-evident nor
equally distributed among all human beings. Not only do individuals
differ in their capacity to be grateful; there are also culturally varying
expressions of gratitude, as the example of Japan mentioned at the
beginning of this chapter made clear. Nevertheless there seem to be
culture-independent functions of gratitude.